The Summer That Barely Lived




Hello world!

(Or at least the few people that may happen to read this post)

Summer time is usually my favorite time of the year. My anniversary is in May, my birthday is in June, beach trips, family time, pool sits, and cute outfits...

But this year, quarantine bled into everything. This brought a lack of motivation, creativity, opportunity, and overall lack of positivity inside my little head. I am a very anxious person, and I, unfortunately, allow my environment to deeply impact my moods. Being at home, like so many other people, has not been easy for me. I try to stay positive for other people and encourage the hell out of my friends, but I find it difficult to practice what I preach.

Most of my favorite pick-me-ups were aren't options during this covid ridden year. I love people, traveling, talking to strangers, dancing, going out for coffee, people watching in busy areas, eating out, hugging my loved ones, and holding hands. These are ALL on the list of No No's. This served as a challenge to find joy in the small things, explore new hobbies, face my own thoughts, and allow forgiveness for my own disappointments.

I am VERY LUCKY, and I know this. I am healthy 🤞, my loved ones are safe, and I am fully able to social distance. I am not taking these things for granted, and I do not want to sound selfish. But I am human, and this time at home has been hard for me. It has impacted everyone, no matter their circumstances.

I will not go deep into my personal fears, my negative experiences with the general public, or my politics. But I do plan to use this platform as a sounding board, for now.

Creating and sharing my pretties was the main purpose of this website. When traveling last year, I also used it to update my loved ones on my travels. I am not very good at keeping up with posting, but I want to do better. Writing my thoughts can be very therapeutic and even a little fun.

During quarantine, I have had a really hard time finding the mental space for art. I allowed my fears to cloud my brain and take an emotional toll on my day to day life. This has not stopped, but I am doing better. I am picked up some new hobbies that have proven very fun and bring small joys to my life. I have more recently spent some time with friends, and tried to let myself relax. I even went to the beach! (Peep my mermaid self in the waves ⬆️)

The beach is my happy place. I relaxed in the sun, strummed my uke, and spent time with some very lovely people. I did, however, have a panic attack on my last night. As I said, the fears and anxiety are a constant. But this little trip did my soul some good. If you are also struggling, I want to help encourage you to allow yourself a break. I had guilt even considering a trip, and it only got worse as we drove to the beach, but my sanity needed the ocean waves and salty air.

So many of my plans for 2020 were thrown out of the window. I just graduated college in December. This was going to be my year! (Cheesy, I know) I had an amazing art festival scheduled for March, we were headed to The Netherlands in May, so much beach time and pool time with friends, our 10th anniversary as a couple was in July, I have a trip to go back to Spain scheduled in September. Please, please please!!! Please, send me all of your good vibes that my Spain trip won't be canceled. I really wanted to focus on Imaginary Abstractions and my health this year. I had BIG goals for my life! Not to mention, I was hoping for a post grad job...

But things change. I am learning to adapt without grieving. I am now in the process of becoming Tefl and Tesol certified. I have spent a ton of time alone, and I am learning to be okay with my own thoughts. I have cooked more this year than the previous 28 years of my life all put together. Plus, I have gotten to spoil my baby, Ryleigh, even more than she was already. Roger and I have given our porch some TLC, and we have gotten a lot of quality time together. ❤

I guess this post is just an unload of thoughts. Updates on my mental state, explanation of no new pretties, and plans for my future. It was mostly a post for myself as I move into the next chapter. This summer has barely lived, but it has been so inspirational. I have observed strong females making boss moves, people of color standing up for their rights, the entire world banding together for an amazing cause (BLM!), and Americans making a big mess because we don't want to play by the rules. Okay, I got a little political. My point is that even though I do not have much to show for this time, besides some self reflection, mental (and waistband) growth, and acne in the shape of a face mask- the world is changing. This year will be one for the books! It may not be the year any of us imagined, and there has been immeasurable loss, but I believe it has been a year for listening- a year for standing up- a year for the unexpected.

I have high hopes for the rest of 2020.

And maybe I'll post some art, soon.

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